Blog

I felt like I didn’t belong, and I just assumed everyone felt that way. 

My own story about not belonging kept me on the outside of social situations, I wouldn’t allow myself to be accepted because I didn’t think I belonged.  

I had no idea how important a sense of belonging was until a couple of years ago.   

When I didn’t have to fight for emotional survival anymore, I began to look for environments that encouraged growth.  

Growth happens in safe places.  

On a family vacation to Mexico, I realized I wasn’t doing family right.  

We had been through enough emotional trauma it had become every man for himself in our family.  Not knowing how important belonging was, I wasn’t creating the right environment for my family.  

Intention is everything, and I set out to change our dynamic. So I took the broken pieces we were and rebuilt a family where we each belonged. 

I created an environment at home where my kids are always accepted for who they are.  They are always wanted and welcome to be with me, and they know it.  I wanted a place that each of us always knew we belonged and were an important piece of the puzzle.  

This strengthened my little family leaps and bounds.  

Then I demanded encouraged the kids to find their sense of community outside of our family.  Show up in life, join clubs, be part of teams and try new experiences, and find your people.  

And I started doing it too.  

On top of work, I took a role in a local production of “The Vagina Monologues”, started my blog and I began saying yes to more things. Now I’ll be speaking next Wednesday for International Woman’s Day (are you coming?)

We need community, a place to belong, and a place we are accepted as we are.  

We need our people.  

Thank you for being my people. 

Actions speak louder than words.

They just do.

So it’s not helpful to spend your time listening to the complainers, the tire pumpers, or the chatty Cathys.

Those are just words without action.

If you want to find the people who will take you higher, and further, and help you get there faster… look for the people who are showing up and trying to make things better.

They are a rare bird, and if you’re lucky enough to know one you should simply get on board.

If you are are a rare bird and you should know you’re invaluable.

Just for today, look closely at what you’re basing your opinion of others on, and who you’re believing.

Some people will take you down a rabbit trail with their words… the other people will light up the trail for you if you care enough to follow.

(Hint: if you are in doubt, you should just follow – because the trail blazers won’t be inclined to wait until you figure it out)

Everyone wants to be a good person. There isn’t anyone in the world who aspires to be a horrible human being.

They just don’t.

You might be wondering about the horrible acts of crime and you are probably making assumptions about those people.

But I am quite certain they don’t aspire to be horrible people.

Generally most people are misdirected on what it takes to be a good person, and all of us can close our hearts and hurt others when we are hurt.

Somehow we think that justifies poor treatment to others. To the extent you can close your heart to another human (or living being) is the extent to which you will justify doing harm.

And the more hurt you are, the more you close your heart.

The more you close your heart, the more you are able to hurt others.

It is a choice to open your heart.

It is not an easy choice when you are in protection mode, when you have been hurt, or betrayed, or the target of someone else’s pain.

But we are not different than the people we label as “horrible”, if we close our hearts and hurt others too… even if we think its justified… even if it’s not a horrible act of crime.. it is the same act, with the same intention.

It is hard to keep your heart open. It requires a lot of vulnerability, a tremendous amount of honesty, and a whole bunch of bravery… And even then, sometimes you don’t even realize you have closed your heart until after it is all said and done.

But the more you work on opening your heart, and the more you focus on compassion, and being vulnerable, and brave, and honest the more often you are able to open your heart when you might have closed it in the past.

Don’t expect perfection here. None of us are perfect at this. Just hope to do a little bit better each time, and open it again as soon as you notice it’s closed.

And with that one simple act, you will raise the vibration of the entire world.

Your heart is that powerful.

It’s worth it to keep it open.

The patterns you have will reveal the most about your conditioning.

What has been consistent in your life?

Maybe you always feel like a victim, or maybe you always choose someone emotionally unavailable.

These choices don’t make you a failure, they are trying to show you something about yourself.

Often they are showing you your beliefs about yourself, and about love.

When you are afraid of your choices, or when you beat up on yourself for the choices you’ve made, you don’t ever get to the heart of why you made those choices.

So look for patterns in your life. Not for punishment, but for insight. You will learn a lot about yourself if you ask better questions about why those patterns exist.

I’m getting to know myself more and more all of the time.

The voice in my head used to think so many bad things and the older I get the more I realize there is always a choice. I can think the bad things or I can lean into what’s good. Sometimes I have to brave to lean into the good things which seems counterintuitive and wrong, but it’s true.

I have a lot more answers now than I ever had before and I see the world in a way that makes sense to me most of the time.

I find the hardest questions are what does this mean to me, and why do I feel this way?

Today is my birthday, and I’m wondering what that means and how I feel about it, so I’m going to take us on a journey through some of the things are standing out in my life right now.

It’s amazing to me that no matter what surprise life brings me, it always seems to be a little bit (or a lot) better than what was happening before. I don’t know why I’m so fortunate that way, but I’m thankful it always just keeps getting better.

I’m not where I thought I would be by now, not even close, but considering the gigantic detours I’ve taken, the choices I’ve made, and the person I’ve been, I’m pleased with how far I’ve come. I’m willing to bet that where I am now is a better place for me than all of the plans I had anyway.

I’ve been pleasantly surprised at the softness that comes over the years, and the softness I see in other people. A vulnerable open hearted “I’ve had my ass kicked and now I’m humble” attitude is one of my favourites, I see willingness and acceptance in others and I know those are my people.

I’ve learnt that great “things” are never as great as you think they will be, but they are always a little bit better than what you had before. It’s true that the best things in life aren’t things. They are your people, your growth, your experiences, and your contribution to others, they always leave me feeling better than I thought possible

I don’t understand time. I don’t know where it goes, how it works, and why a moment you want to hold on to goes fast, and a moment you want to get past hangs on forever. I am forever baffled by the concept but it has taught me that no matter what I’m going through, good or bad, that this too shall pass and there is no point holding on, just to always take in as much as possible.

If it weren’t for the greats like Martin Luther King, Nelson Mandela, Ghandi and a whole lot of unknown hero’s taking a stand against darkness, change in our world never would have happened. I appreciate all of the people who have made our world the incredible place it is today. I’m learning that I have a responsible to stand up for what’s right instead of what’s easy. That I am privileged and I need to speak up for others who aren’t and it’s ok to expect others to do the same. I don’t have to accept mediocrity. I’m searching for ways to bring the light, be the light and shine the light on darkness as much as possible.

I am always surprised by the power of resistance. I hold ourselves back more than anything else ever could by my own beliefs about myself. That’s what the journey seems to be about, just getting over myself and all of the issues I have so I can move forward. Nothing is ever as bad as I think it’s going to be.

There are so many more things I’ve learned in the almost 15,000 days I’ve had to practice trying to get this gig right, and I’m sure there will be so much more to come as I continue on this journey. I’ll keep sharing them here in the days moving forward because writing has become a great tool for me to process it all.

I hope you’ll continue to join me because you are my people and I love you fiercely. Anything worth doing is always better when your people join you. Thanks for being a part of my journey.

Some people enjoy conflict, or a good debate.

I enjoy harmony.

So I believed that if you “don’t have anything nice to say, you shouldn’t say anything.”

And I bit my tongue and stuffed my feelings all of the time.

In hindsight I can see this didn’t work. It didn’t bring harmony. I was unconsciously giving others permission to treat me poorly and I never felt valued.

Since I’ve learned how important it is to speak up, and i have seen some really great results in mg life from doing so, I’ve also had to deal with more conflict.

I still don’t love conflict, but sometimes it’s a necessary evil.

How someone feels is not my responsibility. If the conflict happens because of their emotional reaction, it’s not up to me to fix it.

Knowing this has allowed me to have a lot more difficult conversations. Which are important.

Tim Ferris said, “a person’s success in life can usually be measured by the number of uncomfortable conversations he or she is willing to have.”

You can have a difficult conversation and still follow the “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all” rule.

Sometimes the most difficult part of a conversation is saying what you need to say with empathy, tact, and grace.

Sitting silent and stuffing your feelings is not the solution.

Change will never happen if we don’t speak up, advocate for what we believe in, and start talking.

We can be classy about it, but we must not be silent.

The story you are telling yourself about your life is creating your life.

You are not done. Your work is never done.

So if the story you’re telling yourself is that your life s couldn’t be better.., then you’re wrong. Your life can always be better.

And if the story you’re telling yourself is that you the obstacles you face are impossible and your life is too hard… then you’re also wrong.

I’ve told each of those stories. Both of them made me feel stuck, like I had no where to go.

You change your story by questioning it.

The story you are telling is never the truth. It’s just a story, and it can be told differently when you see it differently.

Asking better questions will bring you new awareness.

Once you have a new awareness, then you can make new choices..

But if you just keep telling the same story… you keep getting the same results.

It all starts with you.

Shortly after my husband and I separated, my son had his annual hockey tournament that we had always attended as a family and made into a little holiday.

This time I was taking the kids by myself, we were flying there and taking a rental vehicle to the resort where the team stayed.

I was a nervous wreck. We hadn’t been able to afford many holidays outside of hockey, so this was only the second time the kids had even been on a plane. Even though I was a stay at home Mom who looked after the kids, venturing out into the world with them was daunting and I was so afraid of everything that could go wrong.  I can very clearly remember the pit in the bottom of my stomach and my shaky legs for most of the trip.

I was so not ok, but I knew the only way through it was through it.

One morning the boys had hockey fairly early.  We loaded up the rental vehicle in the underground parkade and as I backed out I turned the wheel and scraped and damaged the whole side of the vehicle down a support pole that was at the back corner of my parking stall.

It was one of those moments where you are barely able to do life as it is…and one more thing goes very wrong. On top of that, I opted out of insurance when I took the rental (there is no good explanation for why I did that).

Oprah calls these God whispers.  You get a little nudge here that you didn’t listen to, and a little nudge there that you don’t pay attention to, and it happens over and over until finally something big enough happens, some sort of ‘accident’ that gets your attention.

I missed all of the little nudges because I was barely functioning… that in itself was a sign I should have been doing some inner excavating.  But I didn’t know how to feel ok then.  I had lived in turmoil, fear and anxiety for so long by that point that I had completely lost my sense of connection with myself and feeling at peace in my own skin…my North Star.

I look back at the person I was 5 years ago, barely functioning, always on high alert, constantly on damage control and in an acute state of stress and I’m so glad I chose her.  I’m so glad someone finally told me life isn’t supposed to be lived like that. I’m so glad I believed happiness was out there.  I’m so glad I finally decided my life was important enough to create one that feels right for me.

Being brave and showing up for life, and pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone is possible and fun when you are coming from a place of peace and calm inside. When you know your North Star and can always find your way back, then growth and adventure is terrifyingly exciting, instead of horribly terrifying.

If you don’t know where your North Star is anymore, I promise you it still exists and it’s worth seeking out and staying aligned with it.  The cleaner and clearer you live, the easier it is to align.

If you are lucky enough to know it and are aligned with it, then now is the time to experiment.  Try new things, do what scares you, live a life that’s larger than you, work on your legacy, share your voice, meet new people, learn something new, take a class and let yourself be changed.

Once you know your way back to your North Star you know that you can always find connection, inner peace, and okayness inside yourself no matter what happens.  It will always guide you.  There is no greater power than that.  You will be unstoppable and can begin to create the life you have always dreamed of.

I think we all have control issues.

We like to control an outcome (we want things to the way we think is best).

We like to control others behaviour (we don’t like it when people are too loud or make poor decisions).

We like to control a situation (we don’t like it when we are scared).

We like to control how other people feel (we don’t want them to be angry, or hurt, or sad).

We like to control what others think of us (we become perfectionists and hide our true selves).

These control issues stem from a lack of trust. We usually don’t trust that whatever happens is for our benefit and we don’t trust that the Universe has our back… especially when it’s all unfolding differently than we think it should.

When the situation feels out of control, we don’t trust ourselves to handle it.

And that’s what it really all comes down to… not trusting ourselves.

So the next time you notice your control issues popping up ask yourself if you trust that you will be able to handle whatever comes your way.

No matter how difficult it is, you will get through it.

So learn to trust yourself. Your track record for getting though things is pretty good so far.

I was so tired of getting the same results in my life.

There is a quote from Narcotics Anonymous that is so good it has been misattributed to Einstein (I have always quoted it as Einstein’s quote until this morning when I looked it up).

“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results”

The internet is amazing to me because it’s so full of information, and it has put all of that information at our fingertips. We can connect with people who have found success in the areas we are lacking and learn from them. It used to be so hard to get information… remember all of those encyclopedias?

I have been researching and following people who were getting different results than I was trying to soak in their frame work.

I have been picking up pieces and here and there, and I’m learning why and how critically important trust, generosity, vulnerability, transparency, truth, persistence, discipline, courage, connection, compassion, kindness, patience, diligence and many other virtues really are.

I made a promise to myself to be as consistent as I can be, and not allow myself excuses or justification to not uphold the virtues.

This has caused me to uphold a high standard for myself… I am good with that. It feels good to act consistently in line with those virtues, and the results I’m getting in life are changing accordingly… hooray!

It’s been a challenge to maintain my standards and not project those as expectations onto other people. I have had a few epic fails in that department, and with those fails, a few of the virtues also fall off the wagon such as compassion, but here is what I’m slowly learning… if I hold true to mine 9 times out of 10 the other people eventually follow suit, and that’s more likely to happen when I have no expectations of them.

The morale to this story is, we can only do what we can do for ourselves. Within that we shine the light for others, and they can choose to step into the light, or not to step into if they choose. If one person chooses not to step into that light, it’s ok, they have their own journey.

When I say “relationship” – what do you think of?

Usually it’s people relating to other people, and lots of times it’s with one specific person.

If I asked you if you had healthy relationships you would likely start analyzing the people in your life.

These relationships matter a lot. They play an important role in our lives and who we become.

But we also have relationships with other things.

What is your relationship like with the truth?

We form relationships with where we work, where we live, and with ourselves.

What is your relationship with money?

How about food?

The way we relate to something is the basis for our relationship with it.

If you know what a healthy relationship looks like you can start to apply it to all of the relationships in your life.

My mind doesn’t think in terms of failure… I don’t worry about failing, and I don’t ever feel like I’ve failed. It’s not on my radar.

I assume a lot of people must worry about failing because there is a lot of talk about dancing with failure, failing forward, and failing more than you succeed.

Since failure is not something I worry about, I’ve made up for it with other very real and scary worries.

I get hung up on being wrong, making the same mistake twice, or looking dumb. Those are way worse if you ask me.

I avoid them at all costs.

They are pretty similar to failure, but not quite the same.

Brooke Castillo was talking about daily action in pursuit of an impossible goal on her podcast, and she talked about the failure that comes with it.

I loved the analogy she used and the visual it created for me, and I think it’s worth sharing.

She said the winner of the Super Bowl doesn’t win without mistakes. They fumble the ball, turn it over, miss tackles, and the other team scores.

The Super Bowl winner makes mistakes the whole way… and still manage to win in the end.

It’s always such a relief to me when I get out of my head and see that mistakes are normal. And so is failure, and so is making a wrong play.

You can win the Super Bowl even though you’ve made mistakes.

You can not win the Super Bowl if you don’t play.

I’ve heard Oprah talk about her kitchen cabinet people.  

I had no idea why she used the term “kitchen cabinet” so I looked it up.  I was quite surprised to find that it comes from politics.

Former President Andrew Jackson used it to describe the collection of unofficial advisers he consulted with in parallel to the United States Cabinet… and they were called his “kitchen cabinet” by his political opponents.  That was an interesting little fact I didn’t anticipate finding.

The term is used now to refer to personally trusted friends and associates (and it’s still used in politics to describe the Presidents closest advisors).

I had imagined it to be the people you would invite to sit around your kitchen table, have coffee with and talk about things that matter.  

But when it’s being used by Presidents for well over a century, it sounds so much more important, doesn’t it? 

Not having been one myself, I had never given much thought to the closest friends and associates of the President and how they might affect (by supporting or not supporting) the choices he would have to make of behalf of a nation.

If the opponents are the ones who originally named them, I would guess the kitchen cabinet carries a substantial amount of weight.

I have heard Oprah use the term multiple times over the years, and listening to her talk about hers, I have started to pay closer attention to who mine are.

For a long time I had people in my kitchen Cabinet who were selfish and didn’t have my best interests at heart and it’s possible I still have a few in there.  I don’t think these are the best choices.

We need people who will put our well being above their own, who will support and encourage us on what’s best for us in our pursuits, who care enough to alert us when we need a course correction, and to gently (and sometimes not gently) push us when we are scared or stuck.

Ultimately we will know what is best for ourselves and the choices we need to make, but these people will help you keep it real.

Oprah has kitchen cabinet people.

The President has kitchen cabinet people.

Do you?  And are they the right ones?

Having the “wrong ones” will likely push you to become acutely aware of what’s really important to you (over a long period of time).

Having the right ones will help you go where you want to go faster, quicker, and straighter.

We need to choose our cabinet wisely.  

A long time ago friend of mine pointed out to me that in our own way we cycle from bondage to freedom in our lives.

I had never heard or thought about it before, so I began looking for the pattern to see if it’s true. 

I realized that freedom is important to everyone, even though it feels very personal to ourselves.

I noticed that people become slaves to their jobs, their marriages, their responsibilities and their promises, they break free from it all only to find themselves in an entirely new situation with the same rules.

That’s where I was at that time.  I was a slave to my life and in survival mode.  

It seems to me that bondage can come from any number of things, but typically it’s coming from inside of ourselves. 

I’ve learned it’s important to get an outside perspective because we can’t see it when we are in it.  Sometimes we can’t even see it when someone else points it out to us.

When we aren’t brave enough to walk through the fear to get to the other side, or we feel obligated to stay in our prison because of promises we made we trap ourselves.
When we live under someone else’s expectations we become slaves to them.

I shutdown and became numb in order to live instead of finding courage that was larger than my fear, I tried to find my freedom by shutting off my heart and caring less about myself.  

I did this for a long time until I finally figured out that being shut down is its own type is misery and freedom from caring what happened to me, isn’t really freedom at all.

This is a quote about moral courage from Wikiuniversity. “The moral hero often overcomes shame and humiliation, rejects conformity, risks ostracism, jeopardizes career and status, and sets out alone to take an unpopular stand and do the right thing. Moral courage is choosing to risk embarrassment rather than tolerate injustice.”

I think behind courage is where we find freedom again and again.

“Courage is the most important of all the virtues, because without courage you can’t practice any other virtue consistently. You can practice any virtue erratically, but nothing consistently without courage.” -Maya Angelou

Talking about our feelings is tricky business.  I’m not sure it comes naturally or easy to anyone.  I think first and foremost we need to forgive ourselves and each other for not being able to do it perfectly.  It’s a skill, and a dance, and it’s just plain hard.

It’s always so easy for me to know when my feelings have been hurt, and my knee jerk reaction is to blame the other person, “what you did/said hurt my feelings”.

While on some level this can be true, and always a place to start, I’m beginning to understand that deeper connection comes from sorting out the underlying reason for my hurt feelings and talking about that.

Enter vulnerability.

Am I trying to please someone who has rejected my efforts?

Have I voiced an opinion that is important to me, and been left feeling disregarded and unheard?

Have I attached my self worth to something that has failed, and now I feel like a failure?

Have I self sacrificed for too long, and now I don’t even know how to choose me, (and the other person won’t choose me either)?

This work is extremely humbling. If I don’t feel completely humbled and vulnerable when I’m searching for the answer, I know I haven’t quite figured it out yet.

If by this point if I haven’t reached out to someone, now is the time.  Left unspoken these feelings breed shame and resentment, or leave me feeling like the victim.  None of which is healing.

Sharing these vulnerable and humbling feelings with the right person is magic.  The pain and shame dissipate, and you are left feeling whole again and stronger, more deeply connected and loved.  You will go from hurt to loved and loving.

Vulnerability is never comfortable and it requires a whole bunch of bravery, and almost always some tears.  Don’t be surprised by that or try to hold back, it’s a good sign that you’re doing the work in a way that will heal you because it’s coming from your heart and not your head.

Jim Qwik says, “you have to fall in love with the person in the mirror again, the one who’s been through so much, but is still standing. To get to know yourself, you need the courage to be yourself.”

Great words.

How do you do this? Forgiveness is a great place to start to love yourself.

Forgive yourself for the times you could have done better because you were doing the best you could at the time. If you knew then what you know now, you would have done it differently. That experience was your teacher – and it worked, you learned the lesson. That’s the miracle of the journey.

Finding the courage to be yourself is exactly that. All of your weirdness and the bits you suppress or stifle because someone made you feel like you shouldn’t. All of the weird things you love but feel like you’re the only one and no one understands… lean into those parts of you and open them back up.

Why are these things important?

Because these are the first steps towards living a fulfilled life that is uniquely yours.

In order to be seen, you need to see yourself. If you want to have the confidence to create the life you want, you need to be comfortable in your skin.

This alone will change your life in ways you can’t imagine.

Its important to stay very aware of what thoughts you allow.

When you start to think a certain way, your thoughts will take off on you.  You will form a story that you think is true… and you become so invested in your story that you can’t see what is actually happening.

You can’t find the silver lining, you can’t create change, and you can’t open yourself up to new ideas.

Your story becomes a self fulfilling prophecy because the more you tell the story the more you exacerbate the situation.

We attach ourselves to the emotion, which keeps driving the same thoughts, and ultimately, we limit ourselves.

You can’t see solutions when you are stuck in a story because you are shutting yourself off from inspiration and possibility, instead you are looking for evidence to prove your story and continually feel worse about the situation.

Become the observer of your life by taking a 50,000 foot view.  Watch your thoughts.  Pay attention to your story.

Notice how you feel.

If you are scared, overwhelmed, frustrated, or feeling the weight of the world, you are telling a story that limits you.

Things can change in an instant if you step away from the story and allow life to flow.  But first you need to realize that its not the situation, but the story you are telling yourself about the situation that is the problem.